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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My dog after a walk in the woods.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny