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Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
live, laugh, laundry.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”