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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
this has to be peak English
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If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Itβs bullshit that Popeyes doesnβt sell spinach salad
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ππΎ
this is what they would have looked like, though
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
π€¦π»ββοΈ
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I put a complaint box in the break roomβ¦ everyone thinks HR put it thereβ¦ now I know all the crap people are saying about meβ¦
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..