6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I’m not wrong
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be