I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.