When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
You Might Also Like
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.