Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.