fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I triple waxed for this?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Everything reminds me of my ex
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My favorite female superhero
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.