Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
How long do you have to wait between naps?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.