When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
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My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
how to market bottled water to dads
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.