What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.