“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
grotesque if literal: baby food
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill