Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*