[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no