Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
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My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.