You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
You Might Also Like
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no