Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
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We all have our pet causes.
Meowchelangelo
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Not messing around
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms