I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.