THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.