so i’m at the stock market right
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It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
can I use a minion as a tampon
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup