After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.