Super Hand Dog Face
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“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?