Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.