Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Nothing to do, you say?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Well, this is awkward
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently