Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
You Might Also Like
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.