Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
lmao
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.