Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
You Might Also Like
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.