Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm