If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!