When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
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This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.