Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
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twitter is a journey
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it