“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
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If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Got him!
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…