*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries