Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?