A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.