4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
You Might Also Like
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.