Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“Wait, let me explain..”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus