My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?