Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.