person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
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Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.