This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!