Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Ironically, itās my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
āRuh rohā says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakfā
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
š¤šš
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
HER: Hi, Iām your real estate agent.
ME: Itās okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say āestate agentā.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid š¤
Dr Suess isnāt that special. watch this:
Iām mad and sad and doing very bad
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.