my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes