I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
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Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney