The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
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Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The second world war should have been called world war returns