And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Brands during Pride
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.