I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
me and the Superbowl rn
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
plums roundup
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.