My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.