These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
ok hear me out: Luigiana
adding to the discourse
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.