Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do